Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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