Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
