He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
