I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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