I am puke
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hello my rib-scented angel!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
