The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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