I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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