I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
