I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
