remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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