My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
