when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
