Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize