so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
These tits shall not be calmed
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