Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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