Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
