Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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