the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just cut my nipple shaving
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
