just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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