He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
