I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
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