dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
