Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
