did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
