I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize