he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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