Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
