Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
