My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
