Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
