I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
