I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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