i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
