i jhust puked up my retainher.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
