He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
