bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
