Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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