no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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