did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
