Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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