I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Randomize
