im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
