I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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