She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
