you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize