She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
