Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
