i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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