Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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