watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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