I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
