i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
