Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
