i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
