I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
