how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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