I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
