Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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