Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
