Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
